Life is Heald: The year in review, part two
Halfway through August, I came down with a head cold and unable, or unwilling, to write about anything, I ended up writing about the head cold. An editor on vacation and prescription cough syrup led to...
View ArticleLife is Heald: Thanks for coming, but employees must wash their hands before...
No sooner had I finished my year in review, in which, among other things, I noted the absence of any funerals or weddings requiring the “King of the Robe” to wear dress clothes, than I found myself in...
View ArticleLife is Heald: Sorry, ladies, but there is recorded proof that God is a dude
I was headed for another nuclear winter, courtesy of an argument with one of my teenage sons over the usual infinitesimal, miniscule, mindless matter that comprises such conflicts. Each bit of evidence...
View ArticleLife is Heald: Teacher, please tell the kids that ‘Howell’ is a noun, not a...
My full, legal name is “Howell Kevin Heald.” I offer that not as a starting point for the identity theft interns, but as necessary information to understand what it was like for me on the first day of...
View ArticleLife is Heald: Sorry to break it to you, Sasha, but your mommas did you wrong
According to an article I read by Piper Weiss of Yahoo, there’s a couple of gals across the pond by the name of Beck Laxton and Kieran Cooper who’ve spent the last five years hiding the gender of their...
View ArticleLife is Heald: Watch how you park since my resolution is not panning out
“It’s just not worth it.” That’s what you hear people say when they’ve somehow been wronged, but the actions necessary to right the wrong would result in consequences even more unpleasant than the...
View ArticleLife is Heald: Now running at first base for Caesar, Simba the vegan Lion King
To the gentleman in room 203 who just emerged from a coma after sleeping like a teenager on bear tranquilizers for the last six weeks and who requested he be brought up to date on all that he missed,...
View ArticleLife is Heald: Dangerous dining on a dish from one with a damaged disposition
There’s a rumor going around that our oldest son is smart enough to go to college. I’m not buying it, but at least he has a career in document forgery waiting for him because the acceptance letter he...
View ArticleLife is Heald: The Emperor was out, so I accidentally washed my guilty...
I reluctantly went to my son’s bedroom the other day because you’re supposed to check for a pulse when the body hasn’t moved in 24 hours. I froze at the doorway and muttered, “Judging by appearances,...
View ArticleLife is Heald: Remember, some of life’s slings and arrows have rubber tips
For all that is holy and sacred in the name of Don Rickles, what is our world becoming? I no longer believe the center of our planet is a molten mass, but rather the core of one gigantic, extremely...
View ArticleLife is Heald: ‘Driving Miss Crazy,’ the little known prequel to ‘Driving...
There are stupid people in this world. If that is a revelation to you, consider filling in some of those Grand Canyon-esque gaps in your social calendar and getting out more. There are also crazy...
View ArticleLife is Heald: The shot Bubba Watson hit to win the Masters? Elementary, my...
The golf world is all aflutter this week about a shot Bubba Watson hit from deep in the woods, under and around some trees and onto the green to win the Masters golf tournament on Easter Sunday....
View ArticleLife is Heald: I had a such a grand time in Ord’s colon that I bought the shirt
Most years, when I try and trade our timeshare for some exotic locale, the only thing available is the first week in August in Pig’s Crotch, Arkansas. It’s the prime week for frying bacon on the...
View ArticleLife is Heald: God called a friend home to hear the tale I fondly loathed
We all know three types of people in the world. There’s the kind you see from a distance in the grocery store, at which point you immediately abandon your shopping cart, run to your car and go to bed...
View ArticleLife is Heald: New theory suggests dinosaurs died after being hit by Earl’s...
Breaking news from a large tar pit in Naples, Florida, where archaeologists believe they have made some amazing discoveries. When carbon dating results indicated their findings went back millions of...
View ArticleLife is Heald: For young and old, can we please just draw a line in the...
Creepy. There, you’ve been warned. Within the very broad parameters of what passes for normal in our country these days, I know that cosmetic surgery has its place and I’m fine with that. It’s when it...
View ArticleLife is Heald: Stolen homework reveals teenagers, like pirates, bound by the...
When Kevin high-fived a wall and sprained all the fingers on his right hand, he thought he’d have to take the week off. Then he found this homework assignment his sons had to do. He stole it, told them...
View ArticleLife is Heald: The grass was greener alright, but somebody still had to mow it
One day in the late ‘90s, I was looking at a house for sale in our current neighborhood. All of the home sites were roughly an acre in size and we were looking for some room for the boys to run around....
View ArticleLife is Heald: Please remove National Geographic from the maternity ward
Woman have been having babies for a really long time. They know what they’re doing and have for a while now. It is not broken, so why are people trying to fix it?
View ArticleLife is Heald: With no race car or Legos, the saint goes marching off to...
Holy smokes, I thought aging was a gradual process, but last week Chowder stepped on the fast-forward button and then turned all "Cujo" when I tried to make her move. Our firstborn graduated from high...
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